Tonight at yoga, Kandy mentioned taking the role of the witness during our meditation. But its so hard to play the role of the witness when family is concerned.
How does one sit back and watch as someone they love continues to hurt those around them? I set my intention tonight to surrender, to surrender into the pose, into the mat, into accepting the things that I can not change. I wish this was easier.
I've written about my relationship with my sister in the past and it seems that things haven't improved. She recently sent me an email and I replied back and didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. Consequently, I haven't heard from her since. What did I write that she didn't want to hear? I asked her questions about her life. (paraphrasing below) Asking if she's still with the guy that our parents don't approve of (didn't use that wording either, just his name), if she was still at the same apartment, what she's doing for money since she said that she just lost yet another job, if she has a phone yet (she had to shut her cell phone off because of no money, her boyfriend that totaled her car has done anything to fix it or to get her a new car, if the rumors are true that she's engaged, and if she is, why hasn't she told me. That last one would be the one that hurts me the most. It was bad enough when she eloped on her 21st birthday without telling us until after the ceremony. I may have thrown in some digs that if she was engaged, why did her boyfriend buy her a huge ring instead of helping her to get a car? Because in my world, a car is more important.
Its hard to sit back and watch as she makes a series of bad choices. One of them is her decision to not continue to contact me or our parents (and don't get me started on her lack of recognition on Father's Day). I have to let go and accept what I can not change, its her life, she's the one who is responsible for her decisions and choices. But why is it so hard?
I spoke with my officemate the other day, hes an older gentleman with two college age children. He spoke with such joy at the relationship that his children have with each other. They are able to talk to one another and go to each other. I have to say I was jealous. I haven't had that kind of relationship with my sister since I was in high school. I miss it. We used to be so close. Its a shame that we haven't had a chance to get to know the adults that we have grown into. She doesn't know me or the world that I live in and I can say that I have no fuckin' clue about the world that she's living in.
The worst part is hearing the pain in my parents' voices when they talk about her. She's been hurting us for so long now, you'd think we would be used to it. (for those keeping track we're at the 8 year mark...) They want her to be a part of the family but because its been so long, we've all forgotten what her role in our family unit is. She was at Christmas this past year... wait, does it count if she shows up for less than an hour to collect the gifts that we had for her? Makes you feel used.
I wish there was an easy way to fix this. I feel that a lot of it has to be her decision. She has a lot of my father's qualities and one of them is stubbornness/pig-headness... Its not going to be easy. I just hate that it feels like my hands are tied.