Me and Zianne

my new favorite picture... me and my niece

From September 2009

The roller coaster that has become my life...

Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
-Parenthood

I think its safe to say that this quote describes my life right now. There have been many changes to the merry-go-round that was my life, the life that I thought that I was happy with and wanted. I was bumped off and have been rushed to the front of the line for the roller coaster. The past month have been full of ups and downs- it seems for every low, I've also had a high that equals it. Its been an interesting experience. Who knows where this will take me now.

Much thanks to my aunt for opening my eyes to this idea.

Role of the witness

Tonight at yoga, Kandy mentioned taking the role of the witness during our meditation. But its so hard to play the role of the witness when family is concerned.
How does one sit back and watch as someone they love continues to hurt those around them? I set my intention tonight to surrender, to surrender into the pose, into the mat, into accepting the things that I can not change. I wish this was easier.

I've written about my relationship with my sister in the past and it seems that things haven't improved. She recently sent me an email and I replied back and didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. Consequently, I haven't heard from her since. What did I write that she didn't want to hear? I asked her questions about her life. (paraphrasing below) Asking if she's still with the guy that our parents don't approve of (didn't use that wording either, just his name), if she was still at the same apartment, what she's doing for money since she said that she just lost yet another job, if she has a phone yet (she had to shut her cell phone off because of no money, her boyfriend that totaled her car has done anything to fix it or to get her a new car, if the rumors are true that she's engaged, and if she is, why hasn't she told me. That last one would be the one that hurts me the most. It was bad enough when she eloped on her 21st birthday without telling us until after the ceremony. I may have thrown in some digs that if she was engaged, why did her boyfriend buy her a huge ring instead of helping her to get a car? Because in my world, a car is more important.

Its hard to sit back and watch as she makes a series of bad choices. One of them is her decision to not continue to contact me or our parents (and don't get me started on her lack of recognition on Father's Day). I have to let go and accept what I can not change, its her life, she's the one who is responsible for her decisions and choices. But why is it so hard?

I spoke with my officemate the other day, hes an older gentleman with two college age children. He spoke with such joy at the relationship that his children have with each other. They are able to talk to one another and go to each other. I have to say I was jealous. I haven't had that kind of relationship with my sister since I was in high school. I miss it. We used to be so close. Its a shame that we haven't had a chance to get to know the adults that we have grown into. She doesn't know me or the world that I live in and I can say that I have no fuckin' clue about the world that she's living in.

The worst part is hearing the pain in my parents' voices when they talk about her. She's been hurting us for so long now, you'd think we would be used to it. (for those keeping track we're at the 8 year mark...) They want her to be a part of the family but because its been so long, we've all forgotten what her role in our family unit is. She was at Christmas this past year... wait, does it count if she shows up for less than an hour to collect the gifts that we had for her? Makes you feel used.

I wish there was an easy way to fix this. I feel that a lot of it has to be her decision. She has a lot of my father's qualities and one of them is stubbornness/pig-headness... Its not going to be easy. I just hate that it feels like my hands are tied.

Dresden

When I was a little girl, my great aunt Ruthie promised me a quilt as a wedding present. The past few years she's been trying to pass it off on me but I always told her that I wasn't married yet and that I had to wait. With the recent death of her husband her urgings to take my quilt have been ever more persistent. I finally agreed to take it this Christmas. She had me pick my quilt out years ago and I had forgotten how gorgeous it is. The pattern is called Dresden Plate and I'm told that blue quilts are worth more than any other color. She said that she made my quilt after going to a quilt museum and had to immediately run to the fabric store to recreate it. I really and truly forgot how pretty it is. Did I mention that she does the WHOLE thing by hand? There may be a few places where she'll drag out her machine (piecing the blocks together) but for the most part its hand pieced and hand quilted.

I'm so proud! *glee*

PF Chang's Rock 'n Roll Arizona Marathon

I have to put this out there to help my little cousin out. She's decided to take part in PF Chang's Rock 'n Roll Arizona Marathon to support The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Please take the time to donate to Dani's effort!

I think that its very cool that she's training for a marathon. I know that she'll do well (as long as her knee will let her!) and any support you can offer to her would be awesome!

Thanks!!

Some quick vacation picks

drive_sm.

Pulling up to the resort during my trip.

pool_sm

And a quick photo of the pool by our building. I'm going to miss it.
I am not going to miss the HOT HOT HOT weather and the freezing cold air conditioners!

sleepy_sm

My father asleep in the back of the convertable while we were in sunny Ft. Lauderdale.

anxiously awaiting...

My sister is in the beginning stages of leaving her husband. They have signed separation papers and have divided their things... I can't say that he is making things easy on her. I can see the mistakes that she is making, but my hands are tied. I can't do anything to change her decisions (and I am in full support of her leaving the bastard, I just can't believe its taken her over 3 years to do it).

So to do my part to help her out, I have agreed to watch her cat until she finds a more permanent living situation. She left her place around 9, and it will take her at least 4 hours to get up here. I wonder how my two brats are going to take to their "cousin" coming to visit. I'm sure that it will be an adventure. I have one princess and one scardy cat and her cat seems to think its a dog and not a cat. This should create some very interesting situations.....